I had the pleasure this week of joining a panel of incredible women for Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore. As the host, Larry wanted to examine what it is like being a modern African-American woman in the workplace and in romantic relationships. What I said on the show about dating Black men touched a nerve with some Brothers who reached out to me on social media. Because I adore Black men and apparently hurt some feelings, I wanted to clarify what I said.
First, let me say my perspective on being Single and romantic relationships could be considered unconventional and even bold. But I don’t shy away from it, because my opinions are based on my experience, observations and research. It’s also refreshing to say what a lot of women want to say but feel that they can’t say, when it comes to dating.
On The Nightly Show, when we were discussing dating Black men. I chimed in saying something that I typically say about the subject… “Finding a good Black man is like finding a $100 dollar bill in midtown Manhattan. He/it is not going to be available for long.” Meaning, someone is going to snatch it or that good Black man up. To make my point, I continued with a true story about a girlfriend who called one morning to set me up with a guy she went to college with. She had bumped into him about a month prior and found out he was recently divorced. She went on to describe him as a handsome, Harlem doctor who spent a lot of time doing volunteer work in Haiti. PAUSE: I just want to say that most red blooded American women of any race are going to start salivating at the thought of dating a doctor. It’s is the same as a man given the opportunity to date a woman who is a physical match for JLo or Beyonce or Gwenyth. Not saying that all doctors are good men, but for that matter, not all beautiful women are good women. Back to my story.
So my girl felt we would be a good fit. She called me to gauge my interest. Needless to say I was on board, so when she told me she would tell him about me later in the week, I panicked. That’s because I knew that a dude with that personal and professional resume would not be Single for long. I knew the women who already knew him from work and elsewhere, were already circling in the waters. And I was right! I convinced her to call him that morning. She called me back and informed me that he recently started dating someone.
My point is that I don’t think that good Black men, GBM, don’t exist. Rather, I think that most GBM (over 38) are unavailable. They are either in relationships or they are emotionally unavailable because they prefer being Single for a variety of reasons. It becomes more of a painful reality for women looking to date Black men who are 38 or older.
A Black man on twitter helped me prove my position. He reached out to let me know how disappointed he was with my comment and that there were plenty of good Black men. So I challenged him to introduce me to 10 GBM that are over 38. He hit me back with “ok, so the over 38 thing might be an issue”. So there is only an abundance of young, GBM? PAUSE: As a side note, when I was on MSNBC’s Morning Joe last week I was asked about dating and said, “Men over 35 and Single are single for a reason. Either they are undateable or they are not interested in being in a relationship”. I say this because what ever type a man, not even a good man, is looking for he can pretty much find out there because so many women are desperate to have a man that they are willing to work with what he has. Some folks gave me some flack about this comment. But I stand by it. The only thing I would change is making the age 38 instead of 35. Moving on…
Don’t just take my word for it, talk to some Single women you know and ask them about finding a GBM. Look folks, the struggle is real. So anyone who takes issue with what I am saying here about good Black men, instead of a nasty tweet, please send me a list of 10 good, available Black men that are over 38 and are interested in a monogamous relationship and I will match them up with some of really great women. I may even keep one for myself. 
46 Comments
Most women in the entertainment business have a gold robbing mind set, they want the finish product but refuse to cooperatively work to achieve that desired end goal, which put them on the devil territory of retaliation, instead of appreciation and respect. When looks lead, the next woman become the best woman, is what real research show.
Zach, as a woman in the entertainment business, who also knows other women in the entertainment business, I have to say you are so wrong about our mind set. I’m sure there are women out there with a “gold robbing mind set” just like there are men who will pass over quality women for a woman with a big butt. At the end of the day, myself, and most women that I know in this business want a good man… no drama, hard working as we are, financial independent and secure, loyal, God fearing, kind hearted, mentally stable, respects his mama and all women. And why does wanting a man to be financially successful make a woman a gold digger, especially when the woman is financially successful? After all, most men want women to be fine and pretty. That’s why they get with women that are so much younger, passing over plenty of quality women. What does that make those men?
Amen, Jacque, Amen!!!
Nothing wrong with wanting a successful person, education, nor riches but we have to be very careful how we define success because when we buy into the world definition of success, the results are not good. The world (devil) definition of success is to only be willing to show up after all the work is done, then they (society) wrongly label that person a gold digger when a gold digger is actually the people, the person, you want to connect with. Its the gold robber who breed resentment, and inspire retaliation, like being reported about a Cosby, yielding to temptation being surrounded with Billie Jeans.
I measure success by what’s in the heart, those who initiated failed relationships, obviously didn’t make the heart, the first thing they looked at, than build from there. When the heart is right, the material things and more will follow, if we get those differences right. If you are already there Jacque, great!
For those who don’t know: The Christian goal is not to set in church, week, after week under a lecture, nor look for a good man, nor woman, the real Christian goal is to make them, manufacture them, at that point, the looking end.
Each person can and should define success for themselves. I know what it means to me and it is does not have to be same as what it means for you. Nor does what I am looking for in a man have to be approved by you are anyone else. And I do say this respectfully.
Respectfully, or unrespectfully that is the absolute truth. Besides the subject is not about Jacque, even though comments went in your direction. Our community need those type of topics talked about because I said years ago, just adding more police will not solve the problem which seem to all trace back to relationships gone wrong, a big part of that has to do with failure to know or connect to the blueprint of success
Wow! Are we (men) that shallow? I wish I could speak for all men in response, but I can’t, so…
While it’s true that a woman’s beauty play a key role in the choices we (men) make, beauty isn’t the be all end all.
A woman’s beauty will get you that initial smile and hello, but after that (for GBM over 35) there has to be more to you to win our hearts and keep us. Correction: keep me.
As far as “most men want women to be fine and pretty. That’s why they get with women that are so much younger…”
My life experience has taught me that the younger women (women who were my age) were attracted to older men (for security maybe?) which set off a chain reaction leaving only younger women for men like me to choose from.
So that statement is a bit of a red herring in this discussion.
“She went on to describe him as a handsome, Harlem doctor who spent a lot of time doing volunteer work in Haiti. PAUSE: I just want to say that most red blooded American women of any race are going to start salivating at the thought of dating a doctor.”
Reply: Now that part, I don’t understand because you never see, the guy was, or was not a doctor listed on anyone divorce papers as that lacking which lead to divorce. But lack of these qualities are always listed: “a good man… no drama, hard working as we are, financial independent and secure, loyal, God fearing, kind hearted, mentally stable, respects his mama and all women.”
If those are the things which make a relationship last, long lasting, why not used them as the ground to initiate a relationship, instead of leading, salivating over things that are not relationship makers, are the mistake, far too many women make. If you notice “ She had bumped into him about a month prior and found out he was recently divorced.” If a good Black man is so hard to find, how did he end up in divorce court, along with a doctor degree, is what would have caught my attention, not him having a degree. Salivating over a degree but missing an even more important finding, is not wise, to me.
You make some good points, especially pointing out that she wasn’t even concerned why a doctor (supposed GBM) was divorced. He could’ve been a wife beater, down low brother, etc. The only concern was that another woman would get to him before her. It’d be hilarious if her unknown competition was a man.
The worst thing that can happen to a good man is to tied down to a shallow woman. So, keep that in mind, expand your horizons and enjoy the process of finding a woman who is compatible with you regardless of race.
We’re out here and we’re not looking to use woman, we want exactly what they want
Jackie, EVERYTHING you wrote is correct. I work in a place in which 90% is white and 10% black or other. ALL of the white people, and they are younger than me with the exception of 3, are married, engaged or in committed relationships. The black men I meet, my preference is black men, are too young mentally, taking or choose to not be in a relationship. If you are over 30 and still want to play games, you may as well be 20, undateable for anything serious in my opinion. I’m now about to consider dating outside my race. I don’t want to be single forever. The struggle is real! My truth and I stand by everything I wrote too.
Here’s my question.. Why have so many of waited until you were in your late 30’s -early 40’s to search for a relationship?
Who says we waited??
b/c they thought “the grass was goi b greener on the other side…. now there’s only “dirt patches w/ weeds” out there!!! As a father of 3 daughters I feel your pain, BUT stop trying to wait for Mr. Perfect….BREAKING NEWS: He doesn’t exist!!
No, not really…some of us sbw may have also chosen to put our life on hold for aore HONORABLE CAUSE….like, say, taking care of a terminally ill cancer parent til his last breath
You were 100% correct. Dating a man over 38 is a HUGE challenge….especially for women who have attained certain milestones in life.
Very interesting topic. I can’t judge you based off your experiences in Manhattan since I don’t know nor live in that city(DCarea). I am curious to know with your profession Ms. Reid and the fact that you have an abundance of access to all kinds of brothas (and nonbrothas) on many levels you have greater options than the average woman. Think about it, you are single, intelligent, muybonita with no children, usually that would be “gold’ for a single man looking for long-term relationships. I am clueless to your past & present situation all I hope is that you eventually connect with well rounded man that makes you happy and viceversa.
I totally agree,i was divorced 15 yrs ago,and now at age 63 most men my age want a younger, prettier, women. I am not interested on men younger myself,so i will just stay single.
Hello Jacque,
How are you? How’s Lisa? Lisa and I worked together briefly in Atlanta, some years ago.
While I agree SOME men may pass by a seemingly good woman for a hooch ie with a big booty, a good man will recognize a good woman. Disney indoctrinates us to believe that men have to do something tremendous to get a woman. That leads to disordered thinking, all around.
Hi Jacque Reid, to me you are in that group w/ Beyonce J-Lo and the other lady. You are FINE and I really doubt that you would have a problem meeting a man for you. If I had a boat load of money I would definatly put my name on the list. BBQ still on me.
Jacque, you really surprised me with your statement (as if i really knew you :/ ). However maybe you should consider doing a bit more research on 38 and over men beyond your community or ones you have visited. If you have and you’re that biased, it shows there may something else going on there. Though it may seem somewhat typical for black females to come up with multiple ill titles and groups for black men, i have enough common sense to understand that i shouldn’t speak out in the public eye and make certain statements. Especially being a public figure such as yourself. It’s distasteful and shows a major lack of disrespect.
Typo! Early i meant that it shows a major lack of respect.
While I agree with much of what was said/written, there are parts I question what make a man a good black man or an undateable one. As a 40+ y. o. black, single father, steadily emplyoyed and upper middle class, who wants a steady relationship, one would think I am in the GBM category. As such, why do I have difficulty finding black women that also want thus, or more specifically, want this with me. I do admit that a part of it is my making poor choices in the women I select, but even with that, one would think think at least one of my “poor choices” would find me to be one of the rare GBMs. So maybe this means that I am undateable. Ok, I’ll be that, as years of rejection have made me somewhat tired and growing ever more steadily emotionally unavailable. Life is a lot easier emotionally being alone. Or I could finally step out and start dating outside of my race. Unfortunately for me, I love black women. Too bad it isn’t reciprocated.
Those are my thoughts, take ’em for what they are worth.
My two thoughts in response to your post is..
1. Find a woman who is mentally, physically and morally compatible with you. If you settle for one or two out of the three, that will indeed be another bad choice.
2. You should be able to discern during a couple conversations if a woman meets these standards. Personally, I won’t even consider dating a woman who I don’t believe have these qualities. That would be a waste of both our time.
3. Just like there are plenty of GBM’s there are plenty of GBW’s, even so, not all are compatible with you. Even though, like you, I have only been in relationships with black women, I wouldn’t suggest to anyone to only date someone because of race. This is a new era.
4. Now, I need a dose of my own advise.
I wholeheartedly agree with Jacquie’s assessment. I’m a black woman, 46 years old, divorced/single and attempting to date. I find that most available black men over the age of 38 are single for a reason and most times that reason is they’re just not marriage material or the not wanting to be married and I think it’s even tougher for black women than it is for women of any other races.
It’s funny that you say all the men are single for a reason or otherwise not marriage material. So, does that mean that the women that are single, is for a reason as well or does that only apply to men? Because as a older man, I find that many of these women aren’t as Much of marriage material as they like to believe. I’m a retired Air Force veteran. Having achieved success in my chosen profession doesn’t make me marriage material. Far too often that is what I hear or read. “I’ve got money, x number of degrees, etc, etc.” Those things don’t entitle you a man. They merely mean you havery done well as a student and an employee. What a lot of older single women don’t realize is that the skills needed to be successful in the corporate world don’t guarantee you success in the dating world. As a Air Force officer, I lead men and women. However, I tried to use the same leadership style at home, it would be a disaster. I think a lot of women don’t that and use thier success as a crutch. In the end, every man wants a woman that knows how to be a gf or wife. Simply put, lots of single women, for several reason lack these skills and that’s why they’re still single, despite what modicum of success that they may have achieved.
I appreciate this article. I’d be willing to pay to find out what men really think. Many men think that if a woman is very educated and doing well professionally that she will be stand-offish or intimidating or bossy, or a host of other things. But that’s unfair. Black women should not get punished for having 4 degrees (if they do), or PhDs, JDs, and for wanting to make good money and have a good career. I don’t care about a man’s money. I want him to be stable, honest, and respectful. I want him to be “into” Black women which is a whole other conversation. I also want to wear my hair natural and not feel like that makes me invisible. I’m 37, childless, an entrepreneur and would like to build with someone who is able to appreciate what I bring to the table.
Personally, I believe the perception that black men are wary of highly educated and successful black women is another fallacy African American men has to fend off.
What man (African American or otherwise) wouldn’t love to have his children raised by an educated mother? What man wouldn’t thoroughly enjoy a relationship with a literal Proverb 31 woman?
Narcissism, not education and/or income is the biggest turnoff to real men.
Seeing I am 42 at the end of MARCH,,, guess I am on the “Non-GBM” category. I am very much stable mind, body, and soul…and actually a great catch for marriage. That is just it, I am not in a game or a fish to be reeled in. I am single because I will not settle for less than what I want and will not let a mate settle for me, if I am not what she truly wants. I am comfortable being single, but a romantic that truly feels,,, My RIGHT is RIGHT around a corner! So I stay focused on myself and I will become the person who is RIGHT for the Woman who is RIGHT for me.
and Jacque, what I find interesting is you were on a panel where they talked about “POTENTIAL” where Sherri Shepherd was put in place… That is how I noticed who you were and stared to pay attention to you in the 1st place… How Ironic, yet LIFE is never a coincidence!
God is able. He will introduce you to one,
The night before the show, I was engaged in a similar conversation with a female cousin of mine. Needless to say, I was mildly surprised to hear the women on the panel repeat some of my cousin’s comments especially pertaining to “black women are on the bottom of the dating totem pole…”
As far as GBM, I am single and know for a fact that I am a GBM. As far as “being single for a reason” I can only speak for myself and share…
After, spending more than half my adult (18-36) life in military service, there were long stretches where there were no women where I was stationed or very little choice among the women that were available. Eventually, raging hormones, forced me to make a choice and after surviving a bad marriage, I emerged today wiser and more educated than I was during my service.
My limited experience has taught me what to look for in a potential mate and until I find a woman who is mentally, physically and morally compatible, I will remain single as I pursue my life long goals.
BTW, I have only been in relationships with African American women – up to this point.
My perspective on Single and Living Fab, SBM over 38, etc. is that my journey is directed by God. I trust him to bring “the one” across my path and to recognize that I am the rib God intends for him to share the rest of his life with. My job, so to speak, is to remain in faith and be ready so when we connect we are both clear enough to discern the path God has for us both.
I appreciate the discussion on this topic!
-Salandra
My perspective on Single and Living Fab, SBM over 38, etc. is that my journey is directed by God. I trust him to bring “the one” across my path and to recognize that I am the rib God intends for him to share the rest of his life with. My job, so to speak, is to remain in faith and be ready so when we connect we are both clear enough to discern the path God has for us both.
I appreciate the discussion on this topic!
-Salandra
Women don’t appear to be conscious of the fact they don’t lead with, nor initiate relationships based upon a guy content of character, that’s easily proven because when they separate the reason(s) why are always issues of that guy character that was overwhelmingly obvious from the beginning. When I say content of character, I’m referring to the character traits of most importance that help form long lasting relationships.
Jacque- maybe you’ve already covered this but why contine just dating black men? I think your coverage on this topic is a good indication that it’s tine to try something new. Or, why not a GBM under 38? Not only that, can he have a stable and professional career? I dont know your position but I hope you aren’t set on having someone earn as much or more than you…
I agree with Jacque, she probably has fewer options than the normal woman but im saying so for different reasons. I think because of the “showcase” that her particular search has taken she has to cut an even shorter pool of candidates in half because few black men are going to want to have to endure the scrutiny from the black community that will follow being on her arm. That’s the problem with saying you can’t find a man that has x, y and z. When you find him, he becomes a subject of ridicule and scrutiny from both those who measured just short of your standards and those simply curious because its been such a well publicized journey. Good luck.
There are good black men all around, they just may not match up with the long list of unreasonable criteria black women require in a spouse.
Jacque,
This article is the absolute truth! It’s such a sad reality. My ex is a very successful engineer, gorgeous man but has commitment issues. He’s 35 with no children and we dated exclusively for 2 years. Yet any mention of me actually being “girlfriend” seem to cause issues. Funny cause when I met him I immediately thought to myself…”why is this dude single? I mean he is nice, loyal, successful, and kid free”…… Now I see! Your article stated it perfectly….he’s either undateable or uninterested in being in a committed relationship. Sadly I just realized that 2 weeks ago…
“a good man… no drama, hard working as we are, financial independent and secure, loyal, God fearing, kind hearted, mentally stable, respects his mama and all women.”
Now, that we finally have a clear view of what Jacque want, how she describe a good man beyond the things (dollars, degree, name brand, celebrity status) that has nothing to do with a good, long lasting relationship, one can better answer the question she asked.
I am curious, if Jacque discover the answer is there are not 10, will she stop at that point, or take it even further to explore the reason why, what can be done, what can she do to help change those statistics in our community.
I am 37, my husband is 38, we will be married one year the end of this month. I am happy to have met my husband. However, I know how it feels to be on the dating scene and keep running into you know who? Mr. Wrong. That struggle is real! I get it. I also understand some points that are made about not looking for Mr. perfect because he does not exist. I use to have a long list of what I wanted in a man. Then one day I just ask God for someone who would love me like God loves me, unconditionally. Then I started to enjoy my single life. Not too long after I realized my husband then co-worker was seriously into me. We started to date and the rest is history. He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for me and I believe that’s God doing.
That’s a great testamony but you do need more knowledge about the Word of God, when you learn what 2 Timothy 3:16 say, and do what 2 Timothy 2:15 say do, you find the solution to all of your problems, and you spot what you been doing wrong, and seeing wrong, all those years.
We are so caughtup in keeping up with what the world/the devil say is in, most people have lost sight of reality but as I mention to another person, when you apply real research, not phony research but 2 Timothy 2:15 type of research all the things you been aiming for is found in the Word of God, the money, the looks, the reality of each but in there proper order. You pull your self out of the category, like mentioned above ” start salivating at the thought of dating a doctor” you wonder how you could be so dumb to even think that way in the first place. The person that excite you, is the one that have eternal wealth, perfect looks (the redeemed body), eternal life nail down, the real rich, the heirs of the earth (who make Bill Gates dollars a joke), not just a meaningless degree that of it self could never stand in the shadow of eternity. You married a person truly into Christ, you married the best man on earth, in all categories, truly! Two Christians united in marriage is one of the devils greatest fears, that’s why he is so obssessed with selling to fools phony marriage, not even recognized by God, and they have never to walk away smiling. The most attractive woman in the world, is a wife, you can’t get more pretter than that many people don’t know that because they are so caughtup in trying to keep up with what the devil say is in!
Jacque Have you ever tried a matchmaker lol I would love to see you on millionaire matchmaker.
The Steve Harvey show, and other TV shows which hook people up are nice but its important to keep in mind, they are designed for entertainment. The approach they use to match people up, is not wise, nor recommended.
Jacque seemed to have negative views about Black men on the show. It’s not surprising that she isn’t in a relationship with one. You can’t get water out of a dry well.
I’m always curious about BW that publicly advocate for IR dating. Why are they always single? You would think. They would all be married. Since White men outnumber BW 9 to 1.
I agree, being 44yrs young and a single father of a 13yr old who’s now living with me here in Atlanta. I definitely look for a certain quality woman. It’s becomes difficult because many single women who’s also single mom’s aren’t use to dating single men who also happens to be single dads. I understand being emotionally unavailable and enjoying being single but if God placed the right one before me who was in the right place to receive a GBM. I would definitely be open to allowing her to see the value and worth of a GBM but until then I’m enjoying life and raising my son to be a better man than me.
Tim
I’m 35, attractive, college educated with no kids. I gave up completely and only date interracially now. Black men were never looking for anything serious, just bang buddies or friends with benefits. Or they were interested in a relationship so long as they could use you for money. I’m not interested in being a sugar mama or being treated as a booty call. I never met any of these guys at the so called hookup places, like a bar or club. These men were met at bookstores, concerts, online, people I graduated with, etc but constantly brought up sex way too soon. They wanted a casual sex fling in a woman who was wife material without actually making her a wife. I had one arrogant guy tell me he was giving me points that would add up to him making me his girlfriend.
Netflix and Chill is desired by many black men and I’m not interested in that either. I went through that all in my 20s before Netflix even came out. Guys wouldn’t make even the slightest effort to take me out before inviting me over. No thanks.
Interracial dating has been a lot more successful with me. I don’t have to jump through hoops or wait for weeks of texting/calling for them to take me out. Discussing their views on marriage doesn’t initiate eye rolls. Discussing their views on being a parent doesn’t initiate a scared look or change of subject. I’m not being asked to treat them to a date by date 3 nor am I being
asked for home cooked meals early on or money. Non black men knew how to take care of themselves and were actually interested in relationships.