Being in a relationship can come with its share of ups and downs. Add in finances and money issues and you could have the perfect recipe for a disaster. Should a woman give her man money? And if she does, how could that impact the relationship? I talked with financial expert Sabrina Lamb, CEO of WorldofMoney.org and author of Do I Look Like An ATM?, about if and when Single ladies should lend money when dating and why living together is a bad idea.
S&LF: You say you women should not lend/give money to men they are dating. Why?
SL: The transfer of money can complicate relationships and the lending/giving intent that women have when it comes to men that they love often backfires. For example, some women will sacrifice her financial security by trying to buy a man’s love. That never works primarily because men are socialized to provide and protect. If a woman is treating him like a child or that he does not have the power to financially empower himself, he may accept the money; but secretly resent or disrespect the woman who gives money to him. This type of man will prefer to spend his life with the woman who made him believe that he could overcome any financial obstacle, no matter how long it takes.
S&LF: Does the amount of money matter? Say he wants to borrow gas money vs. he wants money for his rent?
SL: Of course, emergencies may occur, but if a woman (or a man for that matter) feels that their partner is always living a financial nightmare, then make sure that you are not perceived as a walking ATM machine.
S&LF: What’s the difference between giving your husband money and your boyfriend money?
SL: A major difference. I caution men and women who are not legally married against co-mingling their finances without the benefit of a contract. With a married couple, they are building a financial foundation together: for better or worse. When a woman is dating Mr. Right Now, that money is better invested in a mutual fund or a ROTH IRA or a down payment in real estate.
S&LF: What if you are living together?
SL: Don’t! Unless you want Judge Mathis to sort out your financial affairs if your relationship does not work out. When a couple lives together, neither man nor woman have any rights to an estate or bank accounts and usually result in a financial mess. I caution against it because both men and women are legally unprotected and financially vulnerable.
S&LF: What if the woman is the breadwinner? Is it ok for her to buy him expensive gifts, take him on trips, etc?
SL: Again, her intent must be examined. Why? And is her and that of her children, financial lives in order? Is her retirement funded?
S&LF: What would you say to people who say this is a double standard?
SL: I disagree. Actually, men should examine their intent to lavish expensive items on women, while sacrificing their well-being in order to impress or control a woman. When their lives are closely examined, one will remember how emotionally supportive a man or woman has been as opposed to an item, which as probably depreciated in value.
S&LF: If a man asks you for money, what is the best way to explain to him that you don’t want to give him money?
SL: Just say “no”. No is a complete sentence. Grown women do not need to explain themselves. You may however, remind him of his ability to change his circumstances and refer him or her to your local financial adviser.
S&LF: If a man asks a woman he’s dating for money, and she says no, is there any hope the relationship can survive?
SL: That depends on her expectations. If they are low, then the man believes that he does not need to honor her request; and the woman believes that, to her own peril, it is her duty to support, rather than encourage a man. Mature women do not admire men who beg them for money. And men want to be admired and seen as providers and protectors. Many women report that they find these requests a turn off and a signal that this man cannot provide for himself. Unfortunately, some women do not feel that they have the right to say “no” and fear losing a man that they never had…and don’t recognize that the only currency that connects them is money.
S&LF: Women are often accused of being gold diggers if they are mindful of how financially successful a man is before she dates him. Are those types of women gold diggers or are they smart?
SL: These women are misguided. Some women go through life counting a man’s income but not his expenses. Unless there is financial transparency on both sides, no one knows exactly how much money anyone earns. For example, a man could earn $10 million annually; and be $20 million in debt. My point is that the amount of money a man may earn has zero relationship to his ability to provide, be emotionally supportive, generous of heart and a great father and community servant.
S&LF: How often should a woman contribute financially to the cost of dating a man?
SL: Balance is the key. Offer to treat him to dinner or, better yet, cook him dinner but not when it puts her financial life and that of her children, in jeopardy.
S&LF: Should parents do a better job teaching their sons about the rules of finance when it comes to dating? (because a lot of men just don’t know).
SL: As the founding CEO of the WorldofMoney.org, a NYC non-profit organization dedicated to the financial education of children and the author of the this year’s NAACP Image Awards nominated book: “Do I Look Like An ATM? A Parent’s Guide To Raising Financially Responsible Children”, parents cannot teach what they do not know. Thus, I strongly recommend that parents decide that financial education become a family affair. Living by the motto: Learn. Earn. Save. Invest. Donate. Women and men must be taught that the amount that they earn, and what they own or labels that they wear does not equate to their value as human beings. And to believe otherwise is tragic and sends toxic beliefs to our children.
What do you think? Is it ever ok to give your man money?
78 Comments
hi lady if you can help me
am in love with a guy we are intimates for more than five years and we help each other finacialy. but whenever i go to church the pastors tell me to stay holy and wait till i get to married to give hi my body. am stresed i love him can leave him he hasnt done anything bad. help me.
Tell the pastor to go eat a dick and to butt the fuck out of your sex life. Sex is required for a healthy relationship. It allows both parties to get better at sex and find what the other loves sexually which in turns means you grow closer as a couple. Sex is natural and should be enjoyed safely.
No, sex outside of marriage is out of bounds for those seeking to live a Christian life. Pastor is right.
is it gud to please your man and feel happy and your not married and your man promises to be your husband?
5 years, I’d say marriage is long overdue for you guys.
I would say it is up to them if they want to get married or not.
I don’t think a woman should every give a man no money espically when she has children that’s just a big turn off to the woman.
You are a cunt then. Oh man are meant to give women money and provide what are men then slaves, bank accounts? Is a man’s only purpose to provide for a women and a women should never give a man money. If you are not preprepared to help your partner then what sort of person are you? A selfish greedy one.
if you are with a man and you love him so much and if he needed help with money and you got money ..I don’t mind helping my man as long as he pays me back …man doesn’t have to be the only that support women with money or gifts. we ladies can do the same thing for our man…that’s how relationship stays strong.
I did that. They never paid me back. That’s why I don’t believe it’s good to ever give a man money.
Sooo true!!!keeping it 100%
That’s how I feel also. Especially when the woman is a single mother and the man has no children or grown children. I would reevaluate the relationship.
Oh, I was replying to Tyisha.
I agree. When a woman has children, she should never give a man she’s dating. She should be taking care of herself and her children. He needs to get another job!
I know a black man who is always in/out of jail and can’t support himself and he thinks that because he has good looks that’s enough. His uses his look for the lonely and rich women. He just uses them to take care of him. I think he’s pathetic and not a real man. I wouldn’t be happy with myself as a man. I really feel sorry for him. I know sooner rather than later he will dump her the first chance he gets and he won’t be loyal cause he’s already sneaky and a cheater. I’m so glad I didn’t fall for his game.
Man are providers and i think ladies should give money to man because it might spoilt what could have been a wonderful relationship. Man must make means to support if he is unemployed such as doing anything to find work. Ladies you may think you are helping but they dont view it that way and really they become resentful towards you.
Sorry i meant should not give money to man
You are a sexist. What you say is deeply offensive and implies that men are somewhat lesser and useless if they can not provide. But women it is okay for them to be stay at home mothers and of course you would expect men to give them money. Bad spelling aside for most of these people I am looking at some of the most selfish and greedy bunch of bastards. If your view is that a women that makes the cash should have 100% control of the money then you think it is okay for men to have 100% control of the money if they make the money. But I know for a fact you would go ape shit if a man said he does not give his partner money.
Why are you so venomous with your words? Calling names? You sound less reappraisal. ( PEOPLE ARE LESS LIKELY TO BELIEVE YOU OR TSKE YOUR ADVICE)
Did you have an experience where a girl took advantage of your generosity?
Please don’t judge all woman as golddiggers. Lot’s of women and men have been taken. It is not right either way.
I have been helping my boyfriend out financially and I felt his selfworth from the first time I did. And now we hardly have sex. I think it has destroyed us.
Sorry for the typ it’s
I’m not perfect either!
Ok so I’ve been talking to this guy and now hes asking for a down payment for a motorcycle (3000) I’m scared of the outcome. But don’t won’t to loose him. What do I do?
Give it to him if you trust him its just a loan
honey don’t give him that much money
Dont do it!!!!!!!!!
Please don’t do it. My ex asked and begged me to buy him a motorcycle with my income tax 5 years ago. I did. Now we are not together. He never paid me back. He was in between jobs. Couldn’t pay the house. We were broke. It’s not worth it. Any real man would get his own stuff. Leave while you can. I’ve been through it all. How stupid was I. Listen to your gut.
I can relate.
I gave a boyfriend $ to buy a Moyer cycle! He never! Paid me back!
Sorry for the typ it’s
I’m not perfect either!
See if he sticks around if you say, you can’t afford it. Or if he changes.
Don’t take that risk!
It would be different if you have the down payment as a BD or other gift but not if he asked or hinted around for it.
Believe me I have learned the.hard way and more then a few times, I’m afraid to say.
If he can’t figure out how to blow up some balloons and sell them on the street corner to Mothers of small children, he can not figure out how to pay you back $100.00 a month. Your feet are made for walking. Sharing money complicates friendships and relationship….
Dont give them shittttt men are too greedy
Stand your ground and say no
You know what Mens thinks we female are brain dead just like their dumb ass i wouldn’t give them shittt i work for my money so get your own shitt and they think there are pimps fuck them all
Hi need advice partner of 9 years car was about to be crushed by pound department I financed all of that combined with his insurance for this annual was that wrong I now feel disgusted for doing so, was that ok?
Hi Dee,
I see that this post was a few months ago.. I would like to know how you handled this situation because I’m pretty much in a similar boat that you are/were.
Thanks.
For me it’s a no go area…. you ask me for money, u become my bitch… and I’m not looking for a bitch but a Man… so Man up!!
My current mood. I make double what my bf makes – it was never a problem for me so i spoilt him bcos i could afford it. But now that we have a daughter and he got comforable, im always the one who is saving and paying for all our expenses. I handle my finances so i expect him to do the same. I have taught him to budget and save but im still the one handling shit. Its getting old for me after 4 years together.
When you have a lazy man as a bf why give him…
There’s even give & take,just make sure he provides as well,as give…the eye of the beholder watches over us…better a couple try to help be there one for another….not just boast about $$$
Life is short,seek love,happiness kindness a little can be alot bless by the hands of the all.mighty!
my husband left me when iwas three months pregnant and went to do his attachment in Nairobi for four months he usually communicate to me bt he never come to see or send me money please help me what should I do
iam married to one husband he we have stayed with him for three months and. he left me with pregnancy for three mouths and he went for attachment in Nairobi for four months and he have never send any money he just communicate to me nor come to see me what should I do please help?
A man lost his job b@ working around the clock to secure another.but until then is it advisable to accept money as aid from your woman, as she is willing to help? pls advise.
Hi lady’s
i need your help so i have a boyfriend and we are dating about 6 mouths and he works all that but once i started working more and i let him borrow some money one time for his phone bill because he told me he didnt have enough for it and so i did and he told me he will pay me back so i was like okay then few days he went to Mexico with his family and after that he came back ask me to let him borrow some more money so i got mad told what happend with his job and he said he left his job and i told he should be man find a job and he got upset so l didnt talk him for 3 weeks and then he said he sorry and he promised he will find job and he few days pass and again he ask for money and so i wanted to know what that means when your boyfriend ask you some money or could advice me what to do and i been thinking if i should leave him or continue dating him. lady’s thank you for you time on read this it means alot.
I know that I am late but I honestly think that you should pray about this (no I am not a religious freak who walks around with holy water trying to cast out demons and speaking in tongues). It seems as if he is now putting conditions on your love and that would be a no go for me. I know that it might be hard to walk away but try to find peace in your spirit before it becomes a bigger problem
Get rid of him! Listen to your gut, it never lies
Hopfully you never gave him money again!
LET him ask his family for money!
I bet he did and they said no
Listen to your gut. It never lies. Dump him before you lose any more money.
DOES BOYS SUPPOSE TO ASK MONEY FROM ALL GIRLS??????
BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND EDRIAN HE JUST STARTED ASKING ME FOR MONEY AND IM NOT SURE IS IT RIGHT THING TO DO OR NOT
Hi my boyfriend lost his job 2 months ago, but he still has a evening job, but since he lost his full time day job he’s been looking at me like I’m an ATM, before when he was working 2 jobs and I wasn’t working at all, he gave me nothing, for me it’s a turn off when I look at him, he should have his own money, and not ask me, we live together and have 2 kids together, and I supply all their needs, I pay the mortgage, provide the food, he just turns me off big time, and he’s 14 years older than me, am I wrong to feel this way?
Do not do it !!!!! You will be sorry.He should pay his own way!! He will use you and not respect you!!!!
Hell no cause men try to get mad when I don’t give them money I feel like why should I give u money when I’m there one doing all the work and ur not helping o feel the only time u should help a man if he helping with the bills and helping with the kids and providing like a man suppose to if he didn’t do any of that he should not have a nerve to ask I for anything because he’s not breaking even hell love don’t pay no bills or take care of kids
Get rid of him! Listen to your gut, it never lies
Do not do it !!!!! You will be sorry.He should get a bank loan which is a contract that he will pay back.He will not want to pay you back and think that is something you are supposed to do!!!
if you are interested in a loan of any kind and amount send a mail to harwardferrazloanfirm@gmail.com for help
Really good article!! I had a guy hint that he needed money… This was after a three year deep crush on him. I couldn’t believe it, but thought it must be pretty bad cuz a week after my initial NO I went to “test” him on his word-keeping skills. And of course, hoping he liked me enough to keep it (his word). And respect himself enough to do so, for that matter. What a freaking duschbag though!? Who DOES some of the messed up stuff that some people do…for a little ($200) cash?! It’s absolutely insanely retarded. Blah
??”Unfortunately, I relented on my initial NO in the hopes of keeping him in my life? and hoping that he’d pay me back like he said.” Should have been what I said. How can someone so not care what someone else thinks of them to go to such low levels of indignity? Ugh. I do honestly have in the back of my mind that maybe something horrible happened to drive him to such action. Well, maybe I’m overthinking.?
~Competing with no one but myself. Always pressing to improve ME. Because I am the only person I have control over.
(Ah, those ?-marks are mostly supposed to be emoticons.) Guess I was quite transparent in those comments. Well, I relish being transparent/vulnerable. The world needs more of it, heck. Not unguarded or unable to defend oneself, but not fake or trying to hide things either, like junk that needs to be dealt with… Lol. I need sleep and therapy, it might be obvious. And I’m a bit bored and forelorn. Thanks for bearing with me.
I m interested in dating with out money I enjoyed
u just have to believe in what ur lover will tell u because its not tghe pastor who will marry but ur man so concentrate on what ur man will say
I dont believe a woman should give a man money.i am talking about wat i have seen in my parents marriage as a young girl.my mother was the bread winner in the family she worked in an office and took also took care of us her five daughters with her jobless husband.she would b in the kitchen doing all sort of work,while my father who is jobless would b in the living room watching tv or reading newspaper while my mother would b in the kitchen dying from work overload and sweating profusely.Even as a child, i knew something was off with the fixed traditional law of our land,a law that left no room for humility,love,kindness among men.even if he did or didnt have a job he should have atleast try to relieve the pains of the woman he claims to love by helping her in the kitchen when she was cooking and doing other work as well as she cooked.But the true fact is most Nigerian men are full of mouth service.He worked out on us when i was ten simply because my mother couldn’t give him a male child.he never contributed a dime in our lives.He was always losing his job when he had money in hand he would spend it off at his parents house to show off.Society claim a man is the head of the family but somemen dont deserve that.i am not pointing to men in low situation,i am pointing at men who takes total advantage of a woman and dont even want to do anything men with no pride who only throws the word’man of the house about everywhere.The most annoying part of all is that some people would raise their little fingers and call u a feminist when you tell the truth has it is.Sometime ago,a neighbor i dont talk to came to me to flirt. He started questioning me about my life as if he was interviewing me to know the financial status of my life,after he finished flirting he had the audacity to ask me for money.He must have tot i was easy and gullible because i decided to answer his questions.For this reasons and more i find it a great turn off to ask a woman for money.A great man with dignity won’t want to ask the woman he claims to love money.when aman acts like this before marrriage it is a sure sign he won’t be willing to contribute financially to the marriage the woman becomesthe bead winner,caretaker cooks for the rest of her life.Because of the scar my recieved she is afraid to remarry in fear of becoming a nanny and bread winner to a grown man.when i ask her to remarry,she would say she cant be a slave again to any man.If peoplehad been good and the world a better place perhaps it won’t have been a problem to help one another with money.But men who ask money from their women are mostly scumbags.When someone really loves you even when he is in difficult situation,he would find it difficult to ask you for money
I have come to see that too about some cultures more than others. I never saw that from my own father growing up and I find it disgusting to witness. I feel sorry for what your mother had to suffer all those years. I would not have put up with that but then again, I was raised independent and fearless.
If you are in love with a person then you should trust that they will give the money back when they have it. Lending some money every once in a while shouldn´t be a problem in a healthy relationship.
If you are in love with a person then you should trust that they will give the money back when they have it. Lending some money every once in a while shouldn´t be a problem in a healthy relationship.
If you are in love with a person then you should trust that they will give the money back when they have it. Lending some money every once in a while shouldn´t be a problem in a healthy relationship.
I have met like 3 men who I fell in love with and they all asked me for money and never refunded it. I have slowly become sick and tired of relationships. It seems that if I don’t meet drunkards, then it is a guy who is hunting for a stupid girl who provides free money.
I lend my boyfriend money all the time and whatever we do together I 99% of the time pay and if I don’t pay for both of us I pay my half an he pays his, he never treats me. Sometimes when I’ve lent him money he pays me back when he says he will and other times it’s quite difficult. I’m not well off I have a full time job an he is a student who works part time. I always make excuses for him because he is a student and doesn’t have a lot of money, however as time has gone on I have realised he always has money to go out with his friends but never to take me out because he has come to expect me to pay for him. I have said to him on a number of occasions we should pay half, we are both equal and if you don’t have the money to pay your half then we shouldn’t go out but it never works that way, there is either an excuse, he says I will pay you back next week or he doesn’t say anything an I hand my card over because I feel so uncomfortable discussing money, I don’t think it should have to be spoken about, I think everyone should go half on everything because we’re all equal but he never ever does. It’s been 18 months, what on earth am I supposed to do?
Yo no estoy en linea con lo aqui expuesto, pienso sinceramente que hay muchos matices que no han podido ser tenidos en cuenta. Pero valoro mucho vuestra exposicion, es un buen post.
Saludos
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Hi guys what if bf is in school and lady in school but the lady is from a wealthy family, and the bf is broke is it wrong she constantly share her allowance with him?